Hark, I Hear The Cannons Roar

[Bill Evans]

I remember many years ago hearing Jay Marshall tell this joke…it was more of a performance piece than a joke…which had the punchline “Hark, I hear the cannons roar”. I remember laughing so much and enjoying the moment, but, damn I can’t remember the story. It’s hell to get old. Can someone retell it for me?
As I recall, it was pure Jay. Surely many have heard this.

[Q. Kumber]

It is a great showbiz story and I've heard it told by other show folk as well. There is also a follow-up story to the original. Both are related in the Jay Marshall chapter of Mike Close's book, 'That Reminds Me.' The book is full of wonderful anecdotes and jokes. It's also the only book I've come across that goes into detail on how to tell the jokes.

There is also a separate follow on to the Cannons joke that involves Jay, a firework and a 4th July BBQ. From memory I believe I heard it from Bill Goldman.

Here's the original:

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."
The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"
So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!"
So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.
"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the f**k was THAT?!"

[Ian Kendall]

There's another version where the actor is agonising on >how< to deliver the line; he spends the day going over the line again and again, trying difference emphasis each time...

HARK, I hear the cannon's roar
Hark, I HEAR the cannon's roar
Hark, I hear the CANNON'S roar
Hark, I hear the cannon's ROAR

And when he gets onto the stage, the ending is the same.

Edit for the pedantic, because there's a chance >someone< will mention it; I've always known the line as the roar of the cannon (which is the plural of cannon - there is no word 'cannons'. If you want to read ROAR as the verb, it would be 'Hark, I hear the cannon roar'

/coat.

[Q. Kumber]

Jay is at a 4th July party. The host is manning the BBQ on the deck. Jay is inside chatting with some magicians and other guests. As sometimes happens, Jay dozes off. In the meantime another guest takes a firework, lights it and rolls it over between the legs of the host, who is busily tending to the BBQ. When it explodes he shouts, "What the f**k was THAT?!". Immediately Jay awakens and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar."

[Jack Shalom]

Yep, here in Brooklyn we told it as Ian describes, where the guy practices the whole day, and everyone he meets from the grocery store clerk to the taxi man to the stage door attendant quizzes him. Part of the fun of the joke (for the joke teller, not necessarily the listener!) is in how long the joke teller can elongate the joke before hitting the punchline, not unlike The Aristocrats.

[Bill Evans]

Thanks a lot everyone. Got a great laugh out of all of this.

[PressureFan]

I love the Michael Close book. I have about three dozen favorites in my notes but I missed this one. This makes my day!

Does anyone know the origin of this one?
The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"

[Q. Kumber]

Does anyone know the origin of this one?
The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"

I was at a cabaret this evening when a mobile phone rang, and the singer used that line.

[Richard Stokes]

Cannon's Roar: The late great Steve Walker once told this joke with great effect at the Sydney Magic Convention.